If you wake up and look like this…DO NOT go to work or school. Please stay home until symptoms are gone. Thank you!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Idiot Sightings
IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.." We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window, and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, "We're sorry, but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checki ng in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."Happened in Birmingham , AL
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker (She was leaving the company due to "downsizing") our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her life couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS
STAY ALERT!They walk among us... they REPRODUCE .and scariest of all, they VOTE
IDIOT SIGHTING: My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window, and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, "We're sorry, but we cannot do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checki ng in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."Happened in Birmingham , AL
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker (She was leaving the company due to "downsizing") our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING:I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her life couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS
STAY ALERT!They walk among us... they REPRODUCE .and scariest of all, they VOTE
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Stupid "krap"
No president has been an only child
The longest inaugural address by the U.S. president was given by William H Harrison. It was an hour and forty-five minutes long during an intense snowstorm. One month later he died of pneumonia.
Adolf Hitler was Time's Man of The Year in 1938
Adolf Hitlers great-great-grandmother was a Jewish maid
Catherine the Great relaxed by being tickled
Christopher Columbus had blond hair
Cher's real name- Cherilyn La Pierre
Tom Cruise's real name- Thomas Mapother
Tom Hanks is related to Abraham Lincoln
Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button
A single violin is made of seventy separate pieces of wood
The word checkmate used on chess come from the Persian word Shah-Mat, which means "The king is dead"
Approximately 60 circus performers have been shot out of cannons. At last report 31 of them have died.
People in Iceland read more books per capita than any other people in the world
70% of Americans eat McDonalds everyday
Coca Cola was originally green
The bible is the #1 shoplifted book in America
The book of Esther in the bible is the only book that does not mention the name of God
The bible has been translated into klingon
Minnows have teeth in there throats
Monday, August 17, 2009
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Ushers will eat latecomers.
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. Pastor is on vacation.
Massages can be given to church secretary.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy!"
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
"Wise Up, O Men of God"
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Tonight's sermon -- "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North and South ends of the church. Babies will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
This being Easter, Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of a new carpet. All of those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
Thursday night - Potluck supper -- prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Saturday.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The agenda was adopted... the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the rec. hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. Pastor is on vacation.
Massages can be given to church secretary.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth into Joy!"
The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
"Wise Up, O Men of God"
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
The 8th graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7:00 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Tonight's sermon -- "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North and South ends of the church. Babies will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
This being Easter, Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of a new carpet. All of those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
Thursday night - Potluck supper -- prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
The Ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the basement on Saturday.
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The agenda was adopted... the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the rec. hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
My Manumananum has left me
Please be advised that my Manumananum has left me for three months. Until she returns there will be little signs of happiness and big signs of sadness, boredom and general dysfunction (more than normal).
Love you Manumanum! Be Safe!
Love you Manumanum! Be Safe!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Strange and Funny Signs
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg.We just want your 'tows'."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At the Electric Company: "We would be 'delighted' if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.
At a Propane Filling Station "Tank heaven for little 'grills'."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
On a Plumbers truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg.We just want your 'tows'."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At a Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At the Electric Company: "We would be 'delighted' if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.
At a Propane Filling Station "Tank heaven for little 'grills'."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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